What if you knew the person you’re dating right now is the person you’re going to marry? What if you knew the person you’re dating was going to break up with you next week. What if you knew your relationship wasn’t really over with your ex? Would life be a lot easier if you knew how long your relationship would last?

Well.. I met someone

I messaged Alex on Hinge, responding to what he had on his Bucket List. I thought his answers were funny so I was eager to know more. We sent a few messages back and forth. Just when I was thought nothing would come of it, he asked me out to lunch.

We met at Community BBQ, and had a little awkward introduction. I wasn’t sure how this date would go, but I went in with an open mind. We ordered our food and as soon as we sat down Alex said: “So tell me who is Diamond.” That made me giggle and from there the conversation flowed. We talked about our families, work, school, and hobbies. We continued talking for about an hour after we finished eating, but once it started getting busy we knew it was time to go. I gave him my number and later that night he texted me.

THE DATES

I loved this message and was interested in seeing him again. Unfortunately, we met right before Thanksgiving and he was going out of town so we had a week. During that week I never heard from him so I assumed it was a hit and miss. Surprisingly he messaged me when he got back into town. We made plans to get tacos on Tuesday. That date went well and I asked him to drive me home. When we got in the car he didn’t seem to be in a rush to get on the road. He actually was eager to figure out when we would see each other again. Once we did he kept talking… it was cute so I figured I would shut him up with our first kiss. After some time after the kiss and talking, I finally told him I was ready to go home.

A couple days later he spontaneously wanted to pick me up and go to the movies together. Days later we got dressed up and went to a church party. Before the party, we drank some tequila in the back of his car and played a game I brought. While we talked I actually told him about my 50 Date in 50 States plan. He asked me more questions and seemed to take it well. After the party, we shared a Ferris wheel ride in downtown Atlanta.

He always wanted to spend more time with me and I was starting to like him more and more. It was scary telling him about my blog, but when it was getting late he said let’s jump on a plane and go somewhere. We obviously weren’t going to do that, but that statement gave me so hope.

MY THOUGHTS

Everything was going well with Alex. He took me on dates, called me: “pretty girl” when he dropped me home and followed up with me saying how much of a great time he would have with me. We went on romantic dates like Holiday Lights at Botanical Garnder and playful dates like laser tag. Honestly, the best time we spent together was in his car just talking. I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. We were completely honest and comfortable with each other.

Even though everything was going well I had so many thoughts in my head.

I just started my 50 Dates in 50 States, how was I going to handle this?

What if I asked him to travel to those 50 States with me?

What if he said no?

What if he said yes?

What if I scare him away?

I was so scared that whatever this was would end, but of course, I wouldn’t know when or how. The uncertainty killed me, but he made me happy I didn’t want to stop seeing him.

DAY 34

Days before Christmas Eve Alex picked me up. I knew he had something to tell me because he was acting weird the past couple of days. He drove a couple of blocks from my house and he told me the news. A new job was offered to him. He didn’t really enjoy the job he was currently at I knew this one would make him happier. I was excited for him, up until he told me the job was in Chicago. The car grew silent, I had no idea what to say. I was happy and proud of him but obviously, this was over. He jokingly asked me to come with me, but he knew I was happy with the family, friends, and job I had here.

That night we watched my favorite Black Mirror episode (“Hang the DJ”). I won’t share any spoilers, but in this episode, there’s a simulation where you could know how long you would be with someone. While I watched this episode I thought about the possibility. What if I knew I would only be with Alex for 34 days. I definitely wouldn’t have been overthinking everything. It would’ve made my life a lot easier, right?

Dating can be scary as hell. Yea it probably would make my life easier, but it wouldn’t make the search for love worth it. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the time we spent together, because I would just count down the days. I wouldn’t have been scared about being vulnerable and honest because I would never see him again anyways. You put your heart on the line constantly hoping that you’ll connect with someone. That you’ll meet your “perfect match”. Then those days, months or years run up and you have to open your heart again.

If it’s scary, it’s probably worth it.

Maybe 34 days was all Alex and I were supposed to have. Maybe I’ll have more time with him in the future. The uncertainty, with dating and love, is scary, but I’ll keep doing it. Because if it’s scary, it’s probably worth it.